Behind Closed Doors

Our sex life was a little difficult. Claudia could not have a vaginal orgasm and she knew only one way to get a clitoral orgasm while having sex with a man. This involved her sitting on top and just grinding herself back and forwards and crushing her clitoris against my pubic bone until she came. While I never complained, I think she was aware that it was a little painful. The rash that we both developed in the early days had long gone, but something else remained. Claudia always found sex painful. To me she always felt a little dry, but my suggestion to use a little lube was always rejected like it would be admitting to a certain inadequacy if she used any. I don't think she realised that starting out could be as painful for me when she was not juicy. I loved the taste and smell of her and would NEVER turn down a chance to go down and that was not just because I wanted to get her wet. She never got over a certain shyness and made me feel like my enjoyment of oral on her was something vaguely disgusting. This always made me a bit sad, not least because she would never fail to come when I licked her.

I have never got much from a blow-job and this was fortunate because she hated giving them. If she tried, within a minute she would be looking up expectantly at me or swapping her hands every few strokes. She said that I gave no indication of whether I was enjoying it or not - I just felt that I hadn't had time to settle into it. Whatever. It meant that a blow-job was never on the menu, but it was not a problem.

The problem was her pussy. She got thrush with terrible regularity. It was blamed on the pill she used, the 'climate' in her pussy, the humidity of Queensland, knickers that were not 100% cotton, me, hair on the shaft of my cock etc. You name it, it took the blame for a while and steps were taken to resolve it. The gynaecologist was the one who got the most visits, different pills were tried, creams, douches, pessaries - I lost track of it all. The worst was that sex was a rare thing and it could only be initiated by Claudia. Actually, that was not just when she had problems, that was for the duration of our relationship. It was NEVER me who could give her a nudge and a wink and tug her into the bedroom. I was always made to feel like a dog begging at the table - looking starved and wagging my tail feebly. If the mood took her, I got 'lucky', but then 'lucky' was relative. For years my first words after coming were "I didn't hurt you?", I could not bang away for too long, I had to wait until it was OK with her for me to pull out and then I knew that for a week, she would be 'unserviceable'. It was really dreadful, but because we loved each other, I never made an issue of it. I am sure that to this day my technique is a little retarded by this sensitivity to her pain. She got angry quickly when the subject was broached anyway, so I learnt to steer clear of bringing it up. I always tried to tell her that we could have fun in other ways, but she was having none of it. She was very shy and conservative in some ways. In the beginning she swore that she would never let me see how she masturbated and it was about six months before she did. She was so embarrassed after she came, she couldn't look at me for the rest of the day without giggling. It was almost her thirtieth birthday before I got to put a finger inside her to show her where her G spot was and what a vaginal orgasm was. The day before her 30th, she had a vaginal orgasm while I was inside her and she was beside herself with excitement. It had been such a long and exhausting process getting her there that I did not feel anything other than relief that we had got achieved something. For the duration of our relationship I was having to masturbate more than I was having sex. It always felt sneaky and nasty having to do it because I could not do it in front of her. If I needed release and she did not, I had to leave the room and attend to the matter 'in hand'. If I was horny when I went to bed, I would have to get up and go to the bathroom for a wank. She was such a sexy woman that it was almost a nightly routine.

It will be clear to anyone who reads this that I am not happy now, but it is important to know that while our sex-life was not the happiest, we were in deeply in love and the rest of our lives together more than made up for problems with sex. We kept ourselves so busy that I recall very few lie-ins on weekends. We would have got up early to go and do something and we would have loved doing it because we would be together, laughing, holding hands and enjoying our lives. And enjoy life we did - apart from this one element. Of course now I get a little resentful when I think back because she could be a right bitch about that one element and was always prepared to make me feel bad about my desires in order to boost herself. I know it was painful much of the time and I can remember that some months it was almost too sore for her to put tampons in, but knowing what I know now...... Selfish shit! For all her moral posturing back then, I don't know how she lives with herself now.