A Telling Episode!

Anyway, the peculiar side to her attitude towards friends was highlighted when a girl I shall call Heike met a Danish bloke. Heike had been a very close friend of Claudia's for years and they kept regular contact. Heike was in Denmark with this new chap and was really excited about it all. The two of them chatted, as women do, about this new man and how wonderful it all was. Suddenly, for weeks I found myself being harassed about what I was like compared to this chap. Apparently Dan the Dane was someone with whom Heike could talk endlessly, away into the night. They had the deepest of heart-to-hearts and it was so great to be able to talk to a guy like that. I, on the other hand....... well, we NEVER talked. We had NOTHING to talk about, we were both just so boring and our conversations together had so little depth and meaning. I was a little taken aback at this, it seemed to me a rather juvenile and shallow observation to make. We had been together for about three years at this stage and were well past sitting up to the wee hours putting the world to rights with our own pet theories and ideas. We knew each other well enough that our relationship had matured to an altogether different level -and that does not mean to say it was boring. We were wonderfully content together and the only issue had been Claudia's problems with work and her self-esteem. We knew and respected each other's politics, we had long since picked holes in each other's world-altering ideas - and besides we had to get up early in the morning. Still, she would nag away about Heike and Dan the Dane and go into a huff when it became evident that I was not going to be moved into an argument. I knew that there was nothing lacking in our relationship, but from the happy stories that she heard about Heike and her new lover, Claudia was not convinced.

A few months passed and Claudia went back to Germany for a visit. She was only going to be there a few weeks and had a lot of people to catch up with. Heike, (who was not so happy with Dan the Dane any more, yet still living in Denmark), was one of the people she had promised to see. I spoke to Claudia most days while she was in Germany and caught up on the news. When the time came around to see Heike and make the drive to Denmark, Claudia backed out. She said it was too far and she was too tired and had not had time to herself since she had been there. She wanted at least a few days where she could relax and did not have to see anybody. I was shocked and I recognised the significance of this. Heike had been heart-broken when things with Dan the Dane ended. Claudia had been quiet about it for fear of attracting any sarcastic remarks from me before she left, but I knew that she had spent time on the phone trying to comfort a miserable Heike and that Heike really wanted to see her because her support had been important. I tried to convince Claudia that she should go, but she would not change her mind. I got the tone of voice that you recognise in a person you have known a while. (It was that certain edge to a few phrases that are perfected as a teenager when telling parents that they just don't understand. And this when they mean "You fucking old wrinklies haven't a clue, now (a)fuck off and leave me alone,(b) give me the money that I need to do this,(c)stop trying to tell me something I have already decided I am not going to do.") Claudia was not going to budge. She had clearly had the same argument with members of her family who would have picked up on the same feelings I had and tried to get her to make the trip to a good friend who needed her. She was having none of it and she may even have hung up on me at the time, I am not certain now, but that is how vehement she was. She had made this decision days before she was due to leave and did not have the decency to give Heike a bit of warning or even think up a good excuse. I was annoyed because it struck me as a nasty way to let a friend down, it was also very rude and it was not only me who was unhappy with her decision. It was also annoying that she was now being shitty to me for sticking up for her friend.

Needless to say, Claudia regretted her decision before she even got back to Australia and tried calling Heike. Heike would not speak to her or respond to letters or e-mails. From what I knew about Heike, that would have been a very difficult thing for someone who is, by nature a very sweet and kind ( and therefore normally forgiving,) person. This was the background to another themed cry-session that would endure from then until the end of our relationship.
"How could I do that to such a good friend. She won't even speak to me!"
I offered to call or write on her behalf and chat to Heike, but she would not let me. Claudia would cling to me sobbing and implore
"I am not a bad person, why did I do that. Why! Why! I am not a bad person. How could I do that when she needed me?"
It was wretched to witness and I could only hold on to her and try to comfort her with empty words. But some years on when she fucked me over, the sobbing and the clinging was identical. As I held her then the sense of deja vu was heightened by the dreamy sense of imminent blackout caused by the shock of what she had just told me. Then, as my blood ran cold and my scalp crawled, it was no longer wretched, only pathetic and despicable, but I still felt her pain then too.